it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
