Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
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