i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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