Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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