remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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