You made me cry and you don't even care
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
