why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
