the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
