he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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