just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
