So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
