I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
