She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
