I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
