Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
