she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
