I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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