Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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