Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
