You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
