My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
