Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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