I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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