Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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