I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
