the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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