i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
