What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
