so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
