In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
