Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He shit in the fireplace
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
