I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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