My Higher Power is John Stamos
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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