if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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