FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
