woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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