My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
