i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize