dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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