it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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