I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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