I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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