i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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