The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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