Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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