I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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