idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
