Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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