apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
