i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
