Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
