i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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