The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
