They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
