its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
