we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
