Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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