So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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