just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
