3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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