News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
